Written by: Amanda Hadfield
I am a Birth Mom.
I think it’s rather easy for all birth moms to find ourselves questioning, “but what role will I play?” when it comes to our birth children’s lives, after we place them for adoption. What will they call me? When will I see them? Will they understand who I am?
The most important thing I think we can remember is that no matter what they call us, how many times we see them or don’t see them, or if they fully understand why we are a part of their lives, we will always and forever be their birth moms. It is simply a title that cannot be taken from us. Of course, there is the fear of not knowing how we will be explained to them or if they will be told the truths in their stories. The best we can do is strive to be the best people we can and live our lives as if we were an active part of theirs, so if and when the day comes that we are a part of it, they will know us and know us fully. There will be no reason for them to doubt our part in their life.
The one promise I made to T and to myself, was that I would NEVER let her doubt how much I loved her. From the moment I knew of her existence in my life I vowed that I would live in a way that was appropriate for her. Although I placed her for adoption to give her a BETTER life, I continued to live my life in a way that if she were a part of it, she would be proud. I never wanted her to come back to me later and be ashamed of who I was. I never wanted to give her parents a reason to be afraid to let me be a part of her life. I wanted her to have every desire to want to know me, and to love the person she came to find.
When I placed T into her parents arms for the first time, I knew that it was a symbol of “passing the torch” if you will. I was no longer the one who would swaddle her or care for her. I was not the one she would call mommy, and I knew I never would be. I would miss her first steps and her first words. However, I did know that regardless of the things I would no longer have, they could never take away the things I already had. I am the only one who can say, I felt her first kicks. I had restless nights of decision and worry in a way they never did (and they in a way I never would). I was the first one to love her, the first one to hold her, the first one to hear her cries. I brought her to this world, with her birthfather and I, we gave her life. Without me they could not be a family, and without them, I could not give her the life she deserved. Together we made her complete.
Regardless of the things we both had to sacrifice and the moments that I will never get to share with her, I have moments they will never have and getting lost in the wonderment of “what is my role?” won’t change anything. No matter how they choose to let us be a part of their lives, we will and will always be our child’s birth mom, and for me, that’s a title to be proud of.
Read more from Amanda at www.cryinggetsthesadout.